Not Guilty
by Catmint
Summary: [LightningStruck Tower arc] Whose fault is it really that Dumbledore is dead? Shaken by recent events, Remus Lupin is troubled by a guilty conscience, and Tonks is the only one he feels able to talk to.


**Not Guilty**

**Disclaimer: **not mine, make no money, etc. The old saying mentioned can be found in _What Katy Did_, so that's not mine either.

A New Year present to my readers. Happy New Year!!!

÷

Part of the **_Lightning-Struck Tower_** arc, which encompasses various characters' perspectives from the _Half Blood Prince_ chapter of the same name.

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"I think we all need a brew," declared Molly Weasley, taking in the grim, drawn faces of the Order members that were gathered in her living room, as she stood up. "Who's for tea…? Coffee…? Anything else…?"

"Just water for me, Mum," requested Bill, Molly's eldest. "It's a bit warm for something hot."

"As you wish." Molly disappeared into the kitchen.

Remus Lupin got up from the sofa on which he had been sitting with his girlfriend, Nymphadora Tonks (who usually went by her surname only). "I'm going outside for some air," he announced, his voice betraying his tiredness.

Tonks also got to her feet and followed Remus through the kitchen, where Molly was getting mugs out of the cupboards, and out to the back garden. She sat down beside him on his right, on the back door step, and rested her head on his shoulder. "Something's bothering you, Remmie," she stated softly.

Remus sighed, a wry smile on his face. "I thought I'd hidden it. Am I really that obvious?"

Tonks shook her head reassuringly. "No. I don't think anyone else has picked up on it, if I'm honest with you. But I know you too well. Whatcha thinking about?"

"Just stuff." He paused as Molly appeared, two mugs of steaming tea in her hands. "Thanks, Molly. Just what I need."

"I'll see you in a bit." Molly, sensing their need to be alone, gave them the mugs and went back inside.

Tonks wrapped her hands around her mug and stared into the hot, pale brown liquid. "Dumbledore?"

Remus nodded reluctantly. "And – and Severus."

"I wonder where he is now. Nobody's had even the merest hint of his whereabouts. Not even the top, most experienced and skilled Aurors have got a clue where he might be."

"That doesn't surprise me," replied Remus, his voice tinged with sadness and something else that Tonks couldn't identify. "He was always good at disappearing completely, if he wanted it enough. He had enough opportunities to practise."

Silence fell for a few minutes while the two drank their tea, Remus gazing sombrely at the ground, Tonks watching the garden gnomes. Birdsong could be heard from the trees and the evening sunlight lingered on the back of the garden, out of place with the grim atmosphere in the living room.

Eventually Remus shifted, putting his drained mug on his left (safely away from Tonks), and sighed heavily. Tonks blinked at him and put her own now-empty mug to one side, knowing that he wanted to talk. "Remmie? What's going through your head?"

Remus stared at his hands, refusing to meet her concerned, anxious gaze. "A – a lot of this is my fault."

A now-thoroughly-confused Tonks tilted her violet-haired head to one side as she regarded him. "Sorry, Remmie; I'm not with you. What's partly your fault?"

The words were barely audible as he whispered them. "Dumbledore's death. What – what Severus did."

Tonks frowned. "Remus, I seem to recall you being otherwise engaged at the time. You couldn't have done anything. You weren't there when it happened."

Remus shrugged, sighing again. "That's not what I mean." He raised his head and stared out across the garden, silent as he collected his thoughts. "Dumbledore was killed – _murdered_ – by Severus. Severus, whichever side he's on, is a Death Eater."

"I would have thought it would be pretty obvious by now which side he's on!" Tonks furiously exploded. "His actions speak for themselves!"

Remus shook his head. Tonks opened her mouth to continue with her protest but he held up a hand to silence her. "I'm not so sure. I don't know which side he's on any more. Things are too complicated where Severus is concerned.

"Severus did what he did as a Death Eater. The thing we need to ask ourselves, though, is, _why_ did he become a Death Eater in the first place? Why did he turn to Voldemort? What drove him to it? Surely he must have had a better alternative?"

"But I still don't see how this can be _your_ fault," interrupted Tonks.

"I'm getting there." He paused. "Severus clearly didn't think he had a better alternative. I was at school with him. He was in my year." Remus shrugged helplessly. "He wasn't liked. Just about everyone loathed him."

Tonks snorted in derision. "_That's_ a surprise."

Remus dropped his head, suddenly hit by guilt, sadness, pain, and a torrent of other emotions. He swallowed hard. "From his first evening at Hogwarts, he was targeted, tormented. He was strange. Quiet. Withdrawn. Probably not surprising, really, given that his mother had died that February, just after his eleventh birthday. Murdered."

Tonks gasped in horror, eyes wide. "I never knew!"

"They couldn't prove who it was – although most people believed her husband did it. Severus' father was a Muggle, you know. Probably a reaction to finding out his wife was a witch and his son a wizard. According to Ministry reports, Severus was in the house when it happened but insisted he hadn't seen it, and he wouldn't talk about it.

"Anyway, the point is, he was vulnerable and an easy target for bullying. He cried really easily in first and second year. It didn't take long for someone to come up with a cruel nickname that stuck."

"Snivellus," Tonks supplied. "It's what Sirius kept calling him, when we were using Grimmauld Place."

Remus nodded his affirmation. "Sirius was the one who thought it up – partly in response for the Slytherins nicknaming Peter 'Pathetigrew'."

"Didn't the Slytherins go for Sirius for it, though? I thought they defended their own?"

Remus shook his head. "They loved Severus' nickname. As for defending him, usually they would, but Severus was different. They were a particularly unpleasant group, and Severus was something of an oddball. He didn't fit in. So the Slytherins turned on him as well. He never had any friends. Never had anyone to defend him, or help him when he was hurt. Severus was on his own. And being as antisocial as he was – and still is – didn't help. He doesn't like people. Never did. I don't think he ever really learned to relate to, and interact with, people."

Tonks sniffled. "That – that's really sad." She used her sleeve to wipe her eyes.

"Sirius, as you know, had a pretty rough deal at home."

"How could I forget?" She shuddered, remembering vividly the portrait of Mrs. Black that still hung in the hallway of the old Black family home.

"With most people, Sirius was great to be around. He was funny, charming, clever, exciting…But he was also really angry. He looked for ways to get rid of that anger, to vent it. Severus was the perfect target for him – he was easy to hurt, he was smaller than Sirius, he didn't tell teachers what was being done to him because he didn't trust them and he was probably scared it would get worse, and he didn't have anyone to protect or help him. He was already damaged mentally and emotionally before he came to Hogwarts. I suspect, although he'd never admit it, that his father abused him. In what ways and how badly, I couldn't guess. I'm not sure I want to."

"But what's that got to do with anything?" demanded Tonks impatiently.

Remus, for the first time since he had started speaking, turned to face the Auror. His eyes were filled with sadness and guilt. "Do you know how long Sirius bullied Severus for?"

Tonks shrugged. "Weeks? A few months?"

"No." Remus shook his head, face grim. "Seven years. From our very first day at Hogwarts to our very last. You know why Sirius did it for so long? Because _I never stopped him_. I was as bad as James and Sirius in my own way. True, I never actually did anything to Severus, but at the same time I didn't try to stop them. Not till fifth year, when I was made a prefect with Lily. But by then it was too little, too late. My silence was my consent for James and Sirius to continue bullying him."

Another frown of confusion from Tonks. "But the way Sirius always told it, Severus gave as good as he got."

"Only later on; for the first year or so he just took it. I think, though, that after a while, he'd had enough and he wanted them – _us_ – to pay for it. You've got to remember how much he must have been hurting. And as wonderful as Dumbledore was, he was also biased against the Slytherins. Perhaps not consciously, but he was. Most of the staff are. I tried not to be, and I think for the most part at least I succeeded."

"Severus taught me Potions. He was so _obvious_ in his favouring of the Slytherins. It was disgusting."

Remus nodded. "But he was all too aware of the majority's loathing of his House. I think he was trying to redress the balance a bit." He fell silent for a moment. "There are so many things that led to all this, but a lot of it is my fault."

"Don't be stupid!"

He shook his head earnestly. "I'm not. Hear me out. I shared a compartment with him for part of the first journey on the Hogwarts Express. I barely spoke two words to him. I should have made more of an effort. Perhaps if we'd talked properly, he would have been Sorted into Ravenclaw instead, or if not, at least he would have had a friend.

"Then the bullying started. Sirius did something to him – I can't remember what – but it must have really hurt Severus because he started crying. And so that horrible nickname was born. I should have had a go at Sirius for it; I knew what he'd done was unkind, that Severus was upset. But I didn't.

"Every time someone did something to Severus, I turned a blind eye. And because everyone thought he was weird, that justified the tormenting. I should have stood up for him; I, more than anyone else, know what it's like to be different. To be avoided, mistrusted, disliked. Severus was just a scared, troubled, lonely, vulnerable boy in third- or fourth-hand, faded, patched robes. He wasn't _evil_ by any means. He was always top of the class in every subject, and that's all the teachers cared about. Whatever skirmish took place, if he was involved in it, he was blamed for it. So he resented them. And each time he was blamed, or targeted, or disbelieved when he was innocent, the resentment grew and the teachers pushed him further away. I should have stood up for him, defended him, on several occasions where I knew he was innocent. But I didn't. I'm not proud of it now.

"I think that what really did it was _that_ incident in our fifth year, when Sirius set him up. I've never forgiven him for what he did to Severus that night. I honestly believe that Sirius wanted him dead. But James saved his life and they were all hauled off to Dumbledore the next evening. He'd spoken to me that morning and I told him the truth – that I didn't know anything about it. I was absolutely horrified when he told me what had happened.

"Sirius lost some housepoints but Dumbledore gave James more than Sirius lost, so there was a net gain of points for Gryffindor. Slytherin lost points. Severus and Sirius had to serve a week of detentions together with Filch – Sirius had to do two weeks in total. But that was the only punishment Sirius got, and in my opinion it was far too light. I do believe that, had the roles been reversed, had Severus tried to get Sirius killed, Severus would have been expelled and possibly thrown into Azkaban.

"He became a Death Eater that summer. He felt he had nowhere else to go. Nobody liked him. Nobody wanted him…I know he attempted suicide twice while we were at school and I wouldn't be surprised if he'd made other attempts. Nobody went to see him whenever he was in the hospital wing. The so-called "good guys" had shown him nothing but scorn, hatred, bullying, torment, cruelty, dislike, distrust, disgust…No warmth. No friendliness. No attempt to reach out to him, to help him, to give him a chance, to make him feel wanted or loved or like he mattered. I hardly made any effort on the train, and then I let people hurt him…" Remus' voice cracked and tears welled up in his eyes. He desperately tried to blink them back, but to no avail. "It's my fault."

Tonks pulled him into a tight, comforting hug, tears streaming down her own cheeks, a result of the harrowing, heartbreaking story she had been told. "It's _not_ your fault," she whispered fiercely. "It's _not_."

"If I'd made an effort, he'd have had a friend. If he'd had someone to defend and help him, he wouldn't have been bullied the way he was. He wouldn't have felt so completely isolated, or alienated, or unwanted. He wouldn't have turned to Voldemort. If he hadn't turned to _him_, he wouldn't have been a Death Eater. Then he wouldn't have killed Dumbledore."

"Someone _else_ would have done the deed instead," Tonks informed him sharply. "But it's _not your fault_. _You_ didn't murder Severus' mum. _You_ didn't abuse him when he was a kid. _You_ didn't try to kill him…" Her voice tailed off as her emotions got the better of her. Grief for Dumbledore. Grief for Sirius. Grief for James and Lily, of whom she had vague memories. Sorrow for Remus.

But most of all was the overwhelming pity and pain she felt for Severus. _Things could have been so, **so** different if only someone had shown Severus some kindness_, she reflected, as she and Remus wept in each other's arms. _A bit of kindness is so small, so easy to give, and yet it can make an unfathomable difference in a troubled person's life. It could be the difference between making the right or the wrong decision. Good or evil. It could change someone's life completely and utterly._

"_All for the want of a horse-shoe nail_," she murmured.

Remus pulled away and regarded her quizzically. "Sorry?"

"Did you ever read _What Katy Did_?"

"No. Come on; it's a girls' book!"

Tonks groaned. _Blokes._ "Katy had a really bad day. It started off with a minor problem but then everything snowballed. He dad tells her this:

_"'For the want of a nail the shoe was lost;_

_For the want of a shoe the horse was lost;_

_For the want of a horse the rider was lost;_

_For the want of the rider the battle was lost;_

_For the want of the battle the kingdom was lost;_

_And all for the want of a horse-shoe nail'._

"Do you get what I mean?"

Remus nodded. "The smallest things can have a huge effect on the wider picture."

Tonks smiled through her tears. "Yeah. One bit of kindness could have completely changed Severus' life for the better." She leaned into Remus' warm embrace and let her tears fall. Severus was damaged beyond repair now; it was too late. He was one of the most wanted people in the wizarding world now. There would be no leniency, no second chance, no redemption.

No kindness.

Only eternal torment.

Tonks clung tightly to Remus, whispering, repeatedly, "It's not your fault."

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**Ω fin Ω**


End file.
